Guilt, Love & F E E L

These days have been the same. The past one and half month has been the most exhilarating and exhausting days of my life till date. With both sleepless nights and days completely worthy but exhausting, I wait for a Sunday so that my father and I can watch a movie together at home. That's the only time we(my baby & I) actually come out of the room. 

Postpartum blues are real. But I was able to manage them with the help of my loving parents and husband. 

Haven become monotonous, few thick friends decided to have a night out ( dinner , gossip) at our home. I was happy for a change.

I made sure I fed my baby and put her to sleep before i handed her to my mom to join them. ( I gave strict instructions to my mom to call me downstairs if she wakes up and that I'll be back in 90 minutes for her next feed) 

Oh my ! Even if I was upstairs ,my mind was elsewhere. My baby's face. That's all I could see. 

I came down in 5 minutes but was pushed back up again by my parents assuring that she was sleeping happily. My parents wanted me to have some fun. I understand their feelings and I love them. 

I came down again in half and hour to see that she was crying and my parents trying to console her. As soon as I held her she stopped crying and looked into my eyes straight trying to tell something (may be) with her "uu"uu's. What I felt then, cannot be expressed in words. That F E E L.

There have been similiar situations when I have to use the loo or go have a bath, and she is wide awake crying by the time I'm back. But this time I was feeling guilty for leaving my tiny human for my fun time.

She slept within 5 mins but I couldn't control my tears. I was feeling guilty very guilty. I love this tiny human, my tiny human so much probably more than anything in this world. She slept but kept opening her eyes every few minutes to check if I was there. She is just few days old. I don't know how she knows. She gets back to sleep if I'm beside her or else wakes up totally crying. 

I stayed back for 3 hours feeding her, see her smile, fall into deep sleep. Later I joined my crew only to get back to check on her every 20 minutes. 

I now understand few things about mother's.

You have to be one to know is all true. 

And I know I might sound exaggerating. 💁🏻‍♀️

Apparently I learnt after a lot of reading is that the only person newborn kids know and feel secure is in their mother's arms. The fourth trimester is what they call it. First three months after birth. 

All that while you know what my mom was thinking " About my dinner, that I din't complete " 

Two most important XX's in my life. ❤️

For once & Forever

Shopping anytime 

my school friend and her ❤️

april 2020

Always being in a very protective environment, never having to look for things I've decided to take a chance and come out of the comfort zone. Trust me. It's definitely worth it. 

So in September 2019, I've applied for a sponsored one month fellowship course by the Indian association of dermatologists, with a very positive attitude that I won't be anyway getting through the selection. The results were to be out by Jan 1st 2020. That human nature of greed never fails to cease. Meanwhile I did have multiple conversations with my husband about how I wish I'd be able to attend it and how beneficial it would be for my career. I love my husband more as he wishes things with almost same or more excitement for me. He is always supportive no matter how difficult it would be for him. 

Jan 1st ,2nd,3rd passed by, with no sign of any result I completely forgot about it until my husband asked me about it again. We had a conversation again and to my surprise the next morning the first email I receive is that I've been selected for it. Oh my. I was very happy.very very happy. 

I was scared too. I was 4 months pregnant with nausea day & night. I dint know if I could manage, I dint know if my family would even allow me to go to Kolkata to attend it. 

Like always blessed with a very supportive family they all agreed with few instructions ofcourse 🙂

Kolkata was a very good surprise to me. I really liked the people, the weather and most importantly my mentor.That entire month all I did was to follow everything he said, taught blindly. He was like that godfather image to me. He was more like a friend with whom you can talk anything for hours. 1 month just vanished like that. 

The very few times I felt lonely (mostly after waking up in the early mornings) I don't know how but I would get a call from my father. Fatherly sense may be. 

Every evening I would get calls from my mother, father, father in law, mother in law, aunt and ofcourse my husband. I had thoughts of recording an audio and telling them that I was fine and forward it to this entire heart lot. Half of my study time would go with calls 😃

First time till date I was alone for my birthday, but I actually wasn't. My baby was with me all through.

I was never scared. Had trouble with the food but we managed. I felt we are far far brave than whom we think we are. I was made fun being compared to vidya balan of kahaani movie. I enjoyed that too. 

Noone believed that I was pregnant. I had only mentioned it to my mentor before joining so others dint know. It was during one of our conversations the others heard and were surprised. I was poured with multiple questions of how I was managing,and how brave I was, and many how's and why's. I was secretly enjoying all that. Made me feel stronger. 

My mentor"Dr.Subrata malaker" sir would surprise me everyday with his caring heart. He is like a book of goodness, knowledge, selflessness & oppurtunities. He took me to a temple one early morning by the Ganges which is one of the best experiences I had. We ( he,his son Surit & me) would have long conversations about dermoscopy and later politics. Well I've never heard or learnt so much of Indian politics before 😃. I met few wonderful people there who would go an extra mile to cook some good food for me once a while. I met my school friend like after ages. I could get why she wanted to settle back in kolkata.

All together I've grown into a stronger, better person there. 

Every night before sleeping I would talk all the nonsense in the world with the little one and ofcourse my husband ❤️. My prayers were for a baby girl and to not see a lizard in the room I was staying 😃

Lots of love 💕

This new feeling

27/11/2019

So i dint want to accly write it down but this time it's my husband who wanted me to.

I've been having this wierd feeling since the last few days. I'm drowsy most of the times. Sleep my true best friend has become my bestest friend but unfortunately chocolate by bestest friend is not so very good with me. It hasn't been a time until these days, when i dint throw the wrapper around me finishing the chocolate given to me within few minutes. I have one lying in my bag since 3 days. Those who know me well might be thinking I'm dying. 

I don't feel like eating anything but i have this craving for it. I never thought that one of my favourite past time of watching recipe videos would want me to puke. The sight of any food makes me nauseating. There you are getting it. This nausea , continuous nausea round the clock. The peeling of an orange giving me such a nice serene feel. The citrus pleasures I call it now. All i can accept eating is an orange or drinking lemon water. Eating every 2 hours is like a punishment now. But that anxiety behind the mind to do everything correctly and stick to the diet so that it's good for the two of us is even more anxiety. 

With that same anxiety of getting a scan done as suggested by my doctor to check for the viability and heart beat like 2 weeks after i knew the reason for the nausea, i couldn't sleep the previous night. The last 2 weeks all i did was to open books & journals which i once read in the 4th year of MBBS. The biggest mistake. It only made me more concerned.

As planned, my husband and I went to the hospital for the scan. I was scared. Very scared. I wasn't talking much that morning. My mind was everywhere else where it shouldn't be. I basically wanted everything to be right, normal and healthy . 

After lying down on the examination bed on the right side of the radiologist seat and screen, i was stiff. Stiff scared. Except for my eyes wandering I dint move at all. I could just see my husband's face. He was anxious too. I could see it on his face. As the scan was going on, my heartbeat was racing. I was just looking at my husband who had the view of the radiologists screen. His anxious face slowly, slowly turned into a smile. A straight to curve. That 30 seconds I would give anything for it. Imprinted in my brain. Gone was all my anxiety and nervousness. I was happy. I knew everything was alright. I relaxed. The radiologist later showed me the heartbeat of our miracle. Happiness was in leaps and bounds. A little dramatic but i had tears . Happy tears. Everything else is worth this. 

Both of us stepped out of the room and just smiled at each other. It's like eyes talk, heart talks . We are no longer just two. We are three. ❤️ 

Insensitive

17/1/2020

So the pregnancy is taking a toll on me. I'm definitely enjoying it too. Everyday is new. Everything is new. Food has been a problem here. I'm hungry but at the same time I'm full. Or whatever i eat is just coming out. I either have a headache or a stuffy nose or a constantly burping acidic GIT or diarrhoea. Some days are just peace. No drama. But my mind is entirely on my baby round the clock and we are happy. Nothing else seems to matter. Successfully we managed to complete the so called crucial 3 months inspite of staying away from home. My husband has all the patience in the world. God bless him.  I'd still say all the 9 months are crucial. 

There is a scan to know if the baby is doing fine and has no anomalies. I had it done at a different place but because all the parameters weren't checked well, i was referred to another centre. A famous centre in Bangalore. 

The entire scene at this other center gave me a mini heartache, raised BP, insomnia yesterday. 

Inspite of taking an appointment and being before time i was called in after 1 hour 45 minutes. Imagine how patient i was during this period. The scan was being done by two doctors who I assumed to be qualified and experienced enough. The ultrasound started. I was anxious, eager and in a good mood. 

Think good, good happens- the main motto. 

During the scan, the doctor in the main seat tells the other "i dont see upper limbs" ( whattt? Are you serious? Conclusions? Is that the way you even disclose such matters ?) I became restless. I was frightened. I was praying that what she just said was false. Then she takes a pause and says "wait ,is the baby even breathing? " ( I lost it completely, i had tears in my eyes, became cold stiff, was regretting for telling my husband not to accompany me for the scan and that i could manage it myself ). The other doctor was gestured to call someone else into the room. I assumed that something is really wrong and they wanted a third reference.  The third doctor who walked in was very calm and soothing. She introduced herself with a smile and set her eyes on the ultrasound monitor. She then backfired the other doctors ( who again said there are no upper limbs and the breath). How can you even say such things without checking properly. She changed the direction of the probe and continued "there that's the right hand and this the left" . Such a relief. I wasn't so tensed anytime till date, not even during the wait of any of my exam results. I even realised that the previous two doctors were juniors. I felt like hitting those other two with anything available infront of me (yes me being a doctor against violence) . Yes i know we learn only by practice, but don't you need to have a filter to your mouth, recheck, double check , confirm and then only spill such grave comments. The senior even checked for the heartbeat and everything else was normal. Every senior was once a junior. 

After the assurance of a normal scan i went back to work, but the entire day my mind was occupied. "If they had any doubt don't they have to wispher among themselves? How insensitive can they be ? Grow up. Just having degrees after the name is not sufficient. Where is the decency ? "

It's not just in this matter. We humans just say what we feel like immediately without any filter. Don't we have to pause a bit, think about it and say ? We are the thick-skinned . Not generalizing though. 

Peace. May god help such people understand how important it is to be compassionate. 

Okbye.