This new feeling

27/11/2019

So i dint want to accly write it down but this time it's my husband who wanted me to.

I've been having this wierd feeling since the last few days. I'm drowsy most of the times. Sleep my true best friend has become my bestest friend but unfortunately chocolate by bestest friend is not so very good with me. It hasn't been a time until these days, when i dint throw the wrapper around me finishing the chocolate given to me within few minutes. I have one lying in my bag since 3 days. Those who know me well might be thinking I'm dying. 

I don't feel like eating anything but i have this craving for it. I never thought that one of my favourite past time of watching recipe videos would want me to puke. The sight of any food makes me nauseating. There you are getting it. This nausea , continuous nausea round the clock. The peeling of an orange giving me such a nice serene feel. The citrus pleasures I call it now. All i can accept eating is an orange or drinking lemon water. Eating every 2 hours is like a punishment now. But that anxiety behind the mind to do everything correctly and stick to the diet so that it's good for the two of us is even more anxiety. 

With that same anxiety of getting a scan done as suggested by my doctor to check for the viability and heart beat like 2 weeks after i knew the reason for the nausea, i couldn't sleep the previous night. The last 2 weeks all i did was to open books & journals which i once read in the 4th year of MBBS. The biggest mistake. It only made me more concerned.

As planned, my husband and I went to the hospital for the scan. I was scared. Very scared. I wasn't talking much that morning. My mind was everywhere else where it shouldn't be. I basically wanted everything to be right, normal and healthy . 

After lying down on the examination bed on the right side of the radiologist seat and screen, i was stiff. Stiff scared. Except for my eyes wandering I dint move at all. I could just see my husband's face. He was anxious too. I could see it on his face. As the scan was going on, my heartbeat was racing. I was just looking at my husband who had the view of the radiologists screen. His anxious face slowly, slowly turned into a smile. A straight to curve. That 30 seconds I would give anything for it. Imprinted in my brain. Gone was all my anxiety and nervousness. I was happy. I knew everything was alright. I relaxed. The radiologist later showed me the heartbeat of our miracle. Happiness was in leaps and bounds. A little dramatic but i had tears . Happy tears. Everything else is worth this. 

Both of us stepped out of the room and just smiled at each other. It's like eyes talk, heart talks . We are no longer just two. We are three. ❤️ 

Insensitive

17/1/2020

So the pregnancy is taking a toll on me. I'm definitely enjoying it too. Everyday is new. Everything is new. Food has been a problem here. I'm hungry but at the same time I'm full. Or whatever i eat is just coming out. I either have a headache or a stuffy nose or a constantly burping acidic GIT or diarrhoea. Some days are just peace. No drama. But my mind is entirely on my baby round the clock and we are happy. Nothing else seems to matter. Successfully we managed to complete the so called crucial 3 months inspite of staying away from home. My husband has all the patience in the world. God bless him.  I'd still say all the 9 months are crucial. 

There is a scan to know if the baby is doing fine and has no anomalies. I had it done at a different place but because all the parameters weren't checked well, i was referred to another centre. A famous centre in Bangalore. 

The entire scene at this other center gave me a mini heartache, raised BP, insomnia yesterday. 

Inspite of taking an appointment and being before time i was called in after 1 hour 45 minutes. Imagine how patient i was during this period. The scan was being done by two doctors who I assumed to be qualified and experienced enough. The ultrasound started. I was anxious, eager and in a good mood. 

Think good, good happens- the main motto. 

During the scan, the doctor in the main seat tells the other "i dont see upper limbs" ( whattt? Are you serious? Conclusions? Is that the way you even disclose such matters ?) I became restless. I was frightened. I was praying that what she just said was false. Then she takes a pause and says "wait ,is the baby even breathing? " ( I lost it completely, i had tears in my eyes, became cold stiff, was regretting for telling my husband not to accompany me for the scan and that i could manage it myself ). The other doctor was gestured to call someone else into the room. I assumed that something is really wrong and they wanted a third reference.  The third doctor who walked in was very calm and soothing. She introduced herself with a smile and set her eyes on the ultrasound monitor. She then backfired the other doctors ( who again said there are no upper limbs and the breath). How can you even say such things without checking properly. She changed the direction of the probe and continued "there that's the right hand and this the left" . Such a relief. I wasn't so tensed anytime till date, not even during the wait of any of my exam results. I even realised that the previous two doctors were juniors. I felt like hitting those other two with anything available infront of me (yes me being a doctor against violence) . Yes i know we learn only by practice, but don't you need to have a filter to your mouth, recheck, double check , confirm and then only spill such grave comments. The senior even checked for the heartbeat and everything else was normal. Every senior was once a junior. 

After the assurance of a normal scan i went back to work, but the entire day my mind was occupied. "If they had any doubt don't they have to wispher among themselves? How insensitive can they be ? Grow up. Just having degrees after the name is not sufficient. Where is the decency ? "

It's not just in this matter. We humans just say what we feel like immediately without any filter. Don't we have to pause a bit, think about it and say ? We are the thick-skinned . Not generalizing though. 

Peace. May god help such people understand how important it is to be compassionate. 

Okbye.