Guilt, Love & F E E L

These days have been the same. The past one and half month has been the most exhilarating and exhausting days of my life till date. With both sleepless nights and days completely worthy but exhausting, I wait for a Sunday so that my father and I can watch a movie together at home. That's the only time we(my baby & I) actually come out of the room. 

Postpartum blues are real. But I was able to manage them with the help of my loving parents and husband. 

Haven become monotonous, few thick friends decided to have a night out ( dinner , gossip) at our home. I was happy for a change.

I made sure I fed my baby and put her to sleep before i handed her to my mom to join them. ( I gave strict instructions to my mom to call me downstairs if she wakes up and that I'll be back in 90 minutes for her next feed) 

Oh my ! Even if I was upstairs ,my mind was elsewhere. My baby's face. That's all I could see. 

I came down in 5 minutes but was pushed back up again by my parents assuring that she was sleeping happily. My parents wanted me to have some fun. I understand their feelings and I love them. 

I came down again in half and hour to see that she was crying and my parents trying to console her. As soon as I held her she stopped crying and looked into my eyes straight trying to tell something (may be) with her "uu"uu's. What I felt then, cannot be expressed in words. That F E E L.

There have been similiar situations when I have to use the loo or go have a bath, and she is wide awake crying by the time I'm back. But this time I was feeling guilty for leaving my tiny human for my fun time.

She slept within 5 mins but I couldn't control my tears. I was feeling guilty very guilty. I love this tiny human, my tiny human so much probably more than anything in this world. She slept but kept opening her eyes every few minutes to check if I was there. She is just few days old. I don't know how she knows. She gets back to sleep if I'm beside her or else wakes up totally crying. 

I stayed back for 3 hours feeding her, see her smile, fall into deep sleep. Later I joined my crew only to get back to check on her every 20 minutes. 

I now understand few things about mother's.

You have to be one to know is all true. 

And I know I might sound exaggerating. 💁🏻‍♀️

Apparently I learnt after a lot of reading is that the only person newborn kids know and feel secure is in their mother's arms. The fourth trimester is what they call it. First three months after birth. 

All that while you know what my mom was thinking " About my dinner, that I din't complete " 

Two most important XX's in my life. ❤️